For a minute there, I lost myself.

So, I know it's uncouth to post something before you post an official personality post, but I'm a firm believer in enlightenment and that you'll know what you need to know and discover things that you want to know.

Everything else is left to the birds. It's just up to you if you want to sprout wings and join them.

That said, welcome to my life. We run movies every Thursday night for your entertainment, but before you get excited, our personal favorite is Gigli. Hahahahaha!

Alright, enough of that.

And on to the real reason I started a blog.


If you've ever read the book The Perks Of Being A Wallflower, you might understand thinking in a different perspective and seeing things on a different level. Standing on the fringes of life, just to see over the edge.

Or maybe not.

I was changed by it. Aside from the drugs, sex, Rocky Horror Picture Show, and the main character's name being Charlie, I now know that there are deeper meanings to everything. Every light has a shadow, after all.

I'm thought-jumping here, and you're just going to have to deal with it, please and thank you.

I think the main thing that gets me most about that book is that he was, in theory, actually TALKING to someone through letters. He was communicating events and emotions and all of this crazy stuff happening. We was telling someone about it. He was dedicated enough to this unnamed character that we only know as "friend" and that he would actually open up enough to an anonymous "friend" to let them know everything in his life.

It eludes me.

Another thing that eludes me is how my very own "friend" Chris always always has a girlfriend. I mean, I love Chris and all, but seriously. Do I need to start acting stupid and angry all the time to get a boyfriend?

This is going to sound completely superficial and totally teenager of me, but I feel very lonely right now. I'm seeing friends walk off and become people that not only I, but they themselves, hate. They're choosing the stones just big enough to drag them down, and it scares me.

I'm listening to Karma Police. I wish I wasn't, but at the same time, I don't want to listen to anything else. I love Radiohead for making me realize what kind of things I get into constantly.

Karma Police, I've given all I can. It's not enough but, I've given all I can...

I seem to have apparently taken on the role as big sister/mother role in my, ahem, group of friends. I can see them looking up to me, and when they make decisions that I'm disappointed in them for making, the first thing I think is, What did I do wrong?

Prime example, right here. Prime example.

A friend that I call Ashleigh, because it's her name and she apparently does not need protection from me or any of my friends anymore, made a very unnerving decision. A little background on her, you ask?

She wears a lot of eyeliner. I mean, a lot. More than I own. I have nothing against eyeliner, for I wear it myself, and the vast majority of all my friends do.

She hangs out with the other guys. The guys who go to jail when they're 18 because they got too drunk and gang-banged some woman in the subway. What's more- she flirts with them, and it's obvious.

She seems to take everything that anyone says as optional. And it's so painfully fake it makes me want to do things that I know I shouldn't do.

Last night, she met up with some random group of guys hanging around the shopping center type place that my friend normally hang out. Ashleigh and I were the only girls, and there were four of our close guy friends. Ashleigh thinks it's a good idea to run off with these guys, "just to piss you guys off".

Which, in retrospect, makes absolutely no sense at all.

So, later, we find her walking arm in arm with one of these guys, looking all cutesy and happy and innocent.

Time for me to go home.

As I'm leaving, I subtly note to her to take it easy and know where her morals lie. She just kind of laughs and says, "Yeah."

When I get home, my absolutely amazing friend Cole, who has been with me through the thickest and thinnest of every obstacle one can encounter through hypothetical marriage, tells me what exactly went down with Ashleigh and this guy.

Apparently, they made out and he kinda felt her up. But, as a direct quote from her, "i didnt let him do anythin else cuz i thot youd be disappointed in me".

Cole, who used to date Ashleigh, is very protective of his friends. I'm so incredibly amazed by Cole. He knows where he stands, and I'm so jealous of him. He seems to be one of the only people I know that I can hold both an extremely intelligent and meaningful conversation, or a absolutely crazy conversation with. He's that balanced.

Cole and I discussed this last night through long, long MySpace messages. After reading Ashleigh and Cole's conversation, it was obvious to see where Ashleigh was kind of spiraling downwards. She's changed, and it's so obvious.

Once again, what did I do wrong.

As if we wouldn't be disappointed in what she HAD done and not just what she had yet to do. It's like a fatal democratic situation.

And I did discover something else in my malice:

When the cops say, "Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law", they mean it.

Everything that Ashleigh has said since last night has been used against her.

In this, my court-of-law of a prison-of-a-head, I've judged all of my friends to a certain extent and I've pushed them to the outer limits of my tolerance. I can't stand the way Ashleigh wears her eyeliner and tells everyone how hardcore she is. I can't stand the way that a certain few of my unnamed friends who still are under my radar and wing need me every waking second to protect them from the big bad football players when they get called emo. I can't stand it.

As I was standing in my kitchen today, wondering when we bought bananas, I realized how terribly alone and even more cynical of everyone else if I didn't have them at all.

If I sic the Karma Police on these people because they talk in maths and buzz like a fridge, I would essentially be hurting myself in the process.

As I said before, I worry when my friends go under. That's when I take blame that I probably don't deserve but am too humble to admit it.



And, by the way, Kindergarten told us how to share. I think they shouldn't have left out the lesson where stubbornness and humility, morals and ethics, patience and grace blur together and what to do about it.